Sun, Sea, The Hulk,..... (and me?!)

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A hot summers day - on a hot sandy beach. Beach towel on the floor, sun cream applied. Muffin asleep in her buggy whilst Bear and I tuck into a couple of double thick fudge ice cream sundaes.

Bear, in his typical 'Bear, Ruler Of The World' pose, is starring out over his minions.

'He has big boobies, Daddy'.
I turn my head and I'm confronted by
an incredibly large breasted woman.
 I offer my best -' I have no control and therefore take no responsability'- smile.
'He's a she, Bear'.
Never a bad time to work on grammar.
'She's got big boobies!'
I mouth the word 'sorry'.
It's not working. Big booby woman is not happy.
'Lovely ice cream, eh Bear?'.
Change of subject normally works a treat.
'You have very big boobies!'
Oh,dear God!
'Bear!'
'What is it Dad?'
'Enough about the big boobies, please!'
I this time offer my - 'Kids, God bless them, raised eyebrows and ah-shocks' - smile.
Big Boobies is having none of it.

Quiet contemplation and a couple of big slurps on the fudge sundaes, while big breasted woman storms off to find another more suitable spot.

'Can we have one of those?'
Bear's pointing to a,....well, looks like a big muscular fella squeezed into an obscenely small pair of speedo's.
Best check.
'Have one of what, exactly?'
'Those!'
Yes. Bear's definitely now pointing at the big muscular fella with the way too small speedo's.
'Them big muscles! Can we have them big muscles?'
This is becoming way too loud and animated.
'Calm down, Bear. We don't want him to think we're starring at him, now do we?'
Too late. Mr Muscles definitely knows we're starring at him.
 As long as we look away we''ll be,....
'Can we, Daddy?'
'Seriously. Enough already!'
It worked! Bear's calmed down.
Phew.
Back in control.
'What did you mean by, can we have big muscles, Bear?'
'Well,....'
He pauses for a big slurp of his fudge sundae.
 '.....We could paint him all green and we could keep him in my bedroom  and he'd be my HULK! And when we play Super Heroes,...'
 Mr Muscles is coming over and my son is implying so many things that I almost don't know where to begin!!
'Is there a problem?'
A surprisingly high voice for someone so huge.
I need to take control.
'You're like the HULK!' Shouts Bear.
Shit! Too late.
'Roaaar!'
Bear's now flexing and grunting like the Incredible Hulk.
I'm dying here!
'My son here,..'
I gesture to my son who now seems to be putting on his very own 'Gun Show'.
'....... was just expressing how,.. big and,... muscular you are,.. and how great it would be to,....kind of,... paint you green,.. and play Super Heroes with you.'
'...YEAHHH!'...
Bear's still flexing!
'Obviously, no offence was intended'.
I've offered that all way to meekly.
Where's my alpha male when I need him?

There's a pause.

Now, a very awkward pause.

Then,

The Hulk laughs.

Thank you, Jesus!

'Oh no, that's fine. Very sweet actually'.
Bear's now flexing  like a loony, while I just find myself nodding my head and smiling.
The Hulkster starts reaching into his speedo's.

What the,......?!

'Hey little Hulky.'
He's now passing a small card to my son.
'Get your Daddy to call me sometime. I'd love to flex around with him'.

(Did he just,....?? )

'Sure will Mr Hulk! Yeeeaaahhh!!!'
Bear's in Hulk heaven.
The Hulk then winks at me, flexes his torso and slowly saunters away.

(Yeah. He Did!)

A long pause.

'Daddy. What you doing?'
'Packing up and going home, big fella.'
'Can we play Super Heroes when we get home, Daddy?'
'Not today, Bear. Not today.'


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I just might be Marlon Brando!

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What I find really daunting about my little Super Heroes, is the break neck speed in which they seem to learn and develop every single day (more often than not, as quick as a couple of hours within the same day!).

This brought on the realisation that I can't learn this quick anymore!! To the point that anything new (and that I can't do immediately), actually grinds me to a standstill, a meltdown even.
 'I can't do it!!!'
So I'll quickly reassure myself that I don't need to do it and its lack of presence in my life
never hindered me before!

But the real irony is this must be something I've taught myself to do!

Have I, like Lex Luther, just surrounded myself with idiots to make myself feel far superior than I really am? Have I lost my Super Hero prowess of conquering all before me, absorbing everything put in front of me and just turned into the simple 'Oh, that's just me, I've always been rubbish at,....' (take your pick!!)  kind of Guy?

I now feel I'm being  forced to face it, like finding Kryptonite in my rucksack, all of those Super human learning skills that had once been gifted to me, have long since upped and left me and I've been rendered powerless in developing anymore.

Never again will I, a mere mortal parent, ever have the ability to learn so much and AS MUCH as my little SuperSponges. Soaking up every tiny morsel of knowledge, growing faster than a speeding bullet right before my very eyes, leaving me in a constant,.. 'how did they?,...how do they?...' state of  flux. I've become that meek and useless observer from every comic book ever published.

Am I now just a minor extra in my kids Super Blockbusting adventures through life?

What a kicker!!

But wait one second, god dammit!

Didn't Superman fly off to the North Pole to that big arsed ice cave and get tutored by Jor-El?

Weren't all his Super human powers explained and nurtured to him by his father, without whom, the world would have been a darker place?

I must be Marlon Brando!

( I can live with that! )

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